Drama Rama

I have been without internet access the last couple of days. I just recently replaced my modem, and when I say recently I mean like last week! Well after all that my internet goes out again. I start moving my cords around and troubleshooting to see what the problem could be and low and behold the problem is Mr. Bunny. Somehow he snuck into the back room where I keep my modem and router. I usually keep this door closed for a couple of reasons, the first of which is that I never clean it! The other is because my desk in there has a lot of cords connected. I keep my printer and all the routers and modems for my internet access in there. Mr Bunny is a notorious cord chewer so I keep him out of there. Apparently I didn't do a good job cause he has managed to chew one of the Ethernet cords to my new modem. Seriously this little bunny has cost me so much in replaced cords over the years that I could buy ten bunnies. He knows better than to go into my backroom.
On a not so new note The Minister has taken up residence on "Crack Island". Our conversation started out so innocently. I complained about getting wet in the rain on my way to my car after church. She says something like you're not sugar you won't melt. I reply that I happen to be very sweet (occasionally). Here's where the conversation is hijacked. She informs me that she doesn't know that because she doesn't have a son-in-law or grandchild from me to tell her this! Crazy.. of course I fire back with Mr. Bunny and she points out that he can't call her and tell her so his testimony is null and void! The conversation went completely off track from there with me ending up threatening to bring her an illegitimate grandchild within the year. ( As a minister she is very much about the marriage then baby carriage) Apparently she is getting desperate because she doesn't miss a beat when she says "Bring 'em!!" It's not like she really needs another grandchild. Between my two brothers she has five grandchildren. Regardless, I am so not going out to get knocked up anytime soon. I can barely afford to keep me and Mr. Bunny in entrees what would I do with a kid? Ridiculous.

Congrats on Managing Not to Get Knocked Up

I did the obligatory sappy Mother's Day post earlier today, but the more I thought about it the more I felt this was needed also. This post is for all my single/married/engaged sisters who managed to get through another year without getting knocked up. I have said it before and I'll say it again, "being baby-free is neither free nor accidental!" We don't have a cool day set aside to recognize and praise the fact that we have been responsible in our family planning choices. They don't send us cards for our efforts or write sonnets about us. Don't get me wrong, being a mother is an important and hopefully informed decision that is beautiful and worthy of praise. I just think that many people forget that the choice of not reproducing is worthy of praise as well. Mothers are the primary teachers in society. I just want to recognize that being childless doesn't negate our ability to impart knowledge and utility to society. Not that we will never reproduce, just that it will be on our own schedule and at a time we deem appropriate. So to all my sisters in the fight.... Happy Non-Mother's Day! You made it another year without getting knocked up!

My Biological Clock

So once you reach a certain age everyone feels they have the right to question you about when you will procreate. Or in my case get married then procreate. I personally don't see what the fascination with my biological clock is. I recently had a conversation with one of my aunts where she grilled me on when I was gonna get married and start making babies. Of course she pointed out with great love and affection that I'm getting older everyday and my eggs won't be good for anything in a few years. WTF? My eggs are champs. They are the gold-standard of baby makers! I love it when my friends have planned and sometimes unplanned pregnancies. I love to play with and spoil their kids then go home to my own home that is childless. There is a reason I have a pet that doesn't say shit!! Mr. Bunny doesn't bark, meow or crow. I love it. Also my choice to be baby free is not free. I pay good money every year to remain so. The pill aint cheap! So me being baby free is neither free nor by accident. So from now on whenever anyone starts asking me about my biological clock I'm gonna say. My biological clock is digital, bitch. It don't tick!

Booze, Babies and Showers

Baby Fever has come to southern Louisiana.  I know a couple of women who are "the big P" right now.  So everyone knows that pregnant friends means the obligatory baby gift and shower.  I have no problem buying a gift to help a friend get ready for their own personal bundle of joy.  It's the showers that work my nerves.   And here's why:

1. The color scheme is always pink, blue or yellow, or the dreaded combo of these colors. (truthfully I just threw up a little in my mouth)
2. The games.   Who decided it was a good idea for grown women to play ridiculous and nauseating childish games?  I so want to tell the mama to be "Shoot your little seed out and make them play this shit!"
3. Current mothers.  The most annoying people at the shower are always the women who have  at least one child and feel that makes them an expert on all things vag and child related.  The fact that they feel this way is not a problem.  Their need to offer endless antecdotes and unsolicited advice is what drives me.   I have no kids but I do in fact have a working vag!! In fact, the argument could be made that I know more about it 'cause I knew not to stretch it out and abuse it with a shitload of younguns! Sometimes I just want to say, "your kid is a freak of nature that will be beaten up in junior high, pass the chips and dip!"  But you can't say these things.  So I smile, nod occasionally and keep my mouth occupied with food.
4. Gifts.  Why must each gift be passed around and  oohhed over?  Just open it and hold it up.  Then add that shit to the pile.  I could live my life without having to discuss how usefull the new diaper genie is.
5. Lack of alcohol!! Room full of grown women drinking watered down punch or soft drinks.  I understand why the mother to be can't drink, but what about me?   I don't mind splitting the ginger ale from my Maker's and Ginger with the knocked up guests.  It's not my fault you are preggers.  You did that shit to yourself.   I have been very responsible and managed not to get knocked up... that alone deserves a drink!! (If I ever decide to breed I will definitely serve alcohol at my baby shower.)  This might be my biggest issue with showers.  I think the addition of alcohol would go a long way towards making the previously mentioned things more palatable.

 I can't be the only one who feels this way.  So de-lurke and leave me a message.  If you think I'm completely wrong, then let me know why.  I don't want it to seem that I'm anti-baby because that isn't true.  I love babies and I'm always happy when my friends and family are able to experience the joy of life.  It's the showers I hate!!